i still can't listen to harry styles

on situationships ruining our favorite songs and what 'moving on' really looks like

Feb 08, 2024

We can’t ever emerge from a romantic situation unscathed. It could be an unrequited crush, a frustrating situationship, or an ex-lover to whom we gave our all. Once these things end, we are left with pieces of the situation shattered on the floor that we must tip-toe around or cut ourselves open when we step on them. The length of time it takes to sweep these pieces up, throw away what we don’t want to save, and tape back together the pieces we can, varies from person to person. Some people spend their lives dancing among broken pieces even as they find new lovers to break even more with.

One of these pieces for me is the song ‘Fine Line’ by Harry Styles. In 2022, I decided to try dating for the first time as an adult at the age of 25. After a couple of weeks on Hinge, I finally matched with an attractive, interesting person who knew how to keep up a conversation. I still remember the exact moment I decided he was worth going on a date with. I wrote about this in detail in my essay “Romance and the Late Bloomer.” I highly recommend reading it if you want the full context. But just in case TLDR; I fell head-over-heels for this guy and thought he liked me too, but realized that the entire time we were seeing each other, he just wanted to sleep with me. He did tell me he wasn’t looking for anything serious and I fully admit that I was being delusional. My Hinge profile said that I wasn’t sure what I was looking for, and that was partly true, but once I met him I knew I wanted to pursue dating him seriously. I should have told him that directly, but I still think my desires were pretty clear. Anyway, he said and did things that made me think a future relationship wasn’t impossible. So even though I’m at fault because I didn’t communicate to him what I wanted, was clinging onto perceived signs that he liked me too, and ignoring all of the red flags, he wasn’t blameless either.

When we went on our first date, Harry Styles’ third album Harry’s House had been out for a month or so. While on the date, the longer we talked and I got to know him, the more intrigued I became. I was so caught up in how well everything seemed to be going. I had never felt anything this intensely before. Now, I can logically chalk it up to hormones and dopamine and acknowledge that I will have many first dates that will go well and it won’t mean we’re destined to be together. Anyway, when we got into his car to make out, there was a Polaroid photo of Harry Styles hanging on his rearview mirror. I complimented the photo and since Harry’s House had just come out, we started talking about his music.

“What’s your favorite Harry album?” I asked him.

“Fine Line,” he answered.

“Mine too! Okay, your favorite song off of Fine Line?”

“‘Fine Line.’”

“No way, that’s my favorite song, too!” I gushed. “It sounds like it should be played in the final act of an indie movie.”

“Exactly!”

Then we started kissing so all conversation ceased for a little bit. But I remember thinking, as someone who doesn’t even believe in signs, that it was a sign that our favorite Harry album and song was both Fine Line. It was just another piece of evidence to add to the collection of things we had in common. I knew then and I especially know now that merely having things in common doesn’t mean you’re destined to be with someone or even that they like you very much. But it was a small, positive thing on top of a whole night full of small, positive things that when added up together, made one giant positive thing, a thing that I positively thought was about to change my life. I mean, I guess it technically did change my life, but not in the way I was imagining at the time. While I was still hesitant about jumping into anything and was trying to be realistic, I was immediately swept away, and ‘Fine Line’ was a reminder of that from that point on.

After things ended and I was dealing with the emotional fallout, I avoided listening to Harry Styles altogether. Because then it became a reminder of not just how magical I had felt the night of our first date, but of our situation in general, all the hurt I felt, and how stupidly naive I was. We talked about and listened to some of Harry’s House on our second date. I’m pretty sure he was an even bigger fan than I was, so Harry in general just reminded me of him. I even had to unfollow Harry on Instagram because every time he’d post something, it made me think of the guy. Pathetic, I know. I mentally, emotionally, and physically gave so much of myself to him in such a short time and built something in my head that didn’t exist. A few months after things ended, a sound on TikTok that used ‘Fine Line’ started trending. I couldn’t escape it. I already spent so much of my time ruminating over him and the situation, and every time I scrolled that goddamn app and was met with the all-too-familiar notes of the verses and chorus, a chasm in my chest burst open and I sank into it. My heart would feel heavy and I’d feel sick to my stomach. My arms would start shaking and my body would feel a little fuzzy, almost like having low blood sugar. It wouldn’t matter where I was or what I was doing, I’d be mentally transported to this purgatory where I was simultaneously reminded of how amazing he made me feel and how awful he made me feel. From that point on, ‘Fine Line’ and Harry Styles’ entire musical catalog, in general, reminded me of the guy, the initial emotional fallout of our ‘breakup’, and the period of my life when it was trending on TikTok while I was still nursing a broken heart and ruminating over everything.

Then I’d get angry and humiliated and punish myself for having such a visceral reaction to a song that I associated with a 2-month situationship with some loser who isn’t worth mentioning. I didn’t have this problem with Paramore, another band we bonded over. So why Harry Styles? Why ‘Fine Line’? I think it’s because ‘Fine Line’ is already a melancholic song about failed love, and was specific to that first date when I was made aware of the beautiful, mind-numbing experience of attraction and infatuation on a level I hadn’t experienced before. Sometimes the reaction was less about the guy and more about what he represented: the possibility of falling in love with someone when you have that magical first date, the crushing blow when you get rejected after being so vulnerable with them, and the fear of having to do it all over again X amount of times. Not to mention the hurt and embarrassment of realizing they were just using you and the myriad of trust issues that realization breeds. And the fact that he was the first person I experienced all of this with didn’t make it any better, it only made it that much more intense.

I think people underestimate the emotional damage situationships can cause. Especially when you’re the person with the unrequited feelings who comes to realize you were just being used, and no amount of honesty from the other person changes that fact at the end of the day. There’s so much room for miscommunication and misinterpretation. It’s why I can’t do casual dating. Dating is overwhelming for me as it is, why would I spend my time and energy getting to know someone just for the purpose of fucking them? While I do believe two consenting, totally honest adults can make it work, and it’s up to each person to communicate their feelings and expectations in any type of dating situation, casual relationships nearly always end in a mess with someone getting hurt.

When situationships end, it’s not a clean break the way that relationships end1. When a relationship ends, you were still able to experience what dating that person was like. Even if you were the one who was broken up with, you can still move on with the knowledge that you gave it a try. You were exposed to this person’s flaws, you saw how you’d be incompatible. You still got the validation of knowing that at one point, this person chose you to be exclusive with. There’s a mutual bond that’s still there even if broken. When a situationship ends, you don’t get any closure2. You might be subjected to ghosting or breadcrumbing. You might be left wondering if they liked you at all, and I don’t even mean romantically although that’s part of it, I mean if they even just liked you as a person. You’re left wondering what it was about you that made them go, Nah, I don’t even wanna try dating this person for real; I’ll still put in enough effort to fuck them though. You built up a version of them in your head and you’re left wishing that version of them will realize their mistake and come back, even though you also know that that version of them never existed in the first place, so you’re left putting them on a pedestal. There’s no equal footing, no mutual bond because only one of you was experiencing romantic feelings in the first place. You’re left to wonder what if even after you’ve run through the whole thing in your head dozens of times and see it clearly now because situationships are by definition undefinable.

My therapist tells me that I spend a lot of time intellectualizing my feelings instead of feeling and processing them. I don’t know if I believe her. Because I spent so long being in my feelings that I haven’t let myself completely move on. And I think that’s why I’ve avoided listening to ‘Fine Line’ for so long because I’m afraid of how it will make me feel when I’m trying to forget. I’ve spent so much time, way more time than I should be, ruminating and punishing myself for not moving on as fast as I think I should be. Because god knows he’s moved on; there was nothing for him to move on from in the first place and I doubt he remembers I exist. Some days I wish I could do the same, even though I know I don’t actually want to do that because no matter what, I’ve never regretted him for a second, even when I’m crying and feeling angry or anxious or sad or embarrassed or self-flagellating about it. But maybe the only way to move on is to listen to ‘Fine Line’ and face my fears about those feelings.

When I decided to write this, I knew that moment would have to come and I was putting it off for as long as possible. I didn’t want to face the possibility of that chasm opening back up and me falling into it. I didn’t want to ruin an entire day thinking about some guy more than I already did. But the longer I put it off, the longer I won’t be fully healed (and not to mention I’d have to scrap this post). So, with my writing being the main motivation, I finally decided the time had come to turn ‘Fine Line’ on. I had just climbed into my car and was on my way home from a pet-sitting job. My phone automatically connected to my car’s stereo as I backed out of the driveway and it started playing the last song I was listening to. Ironically, it was a One Direction song–I had been going through their catalog the past week–maybe I was subconsciously preparing myself to hear Harry’s voice again. I had been thinking about when, where, and how I would put on ‘Fine Line.’ I surely couldn’t do it at home while someone else was there, lest I start crying. Suddenly, as I was driving down the street, I knew the time was now. If I waited until I was home, I’d put it off by finding other things to do. What better time than now, when I’m in my car alone and can blast the song as loud as I want and be completely immersed in it? In retrospect, maybe not the brightest decision given that I could have a bad reaction while operating a vehicle. But I just knew–if not now, then when?

So I grabbed my phone and the song started playing. As the first notes of that soft guitar began and Harry’s high-pitched voice floated into my ears, I was expecting the chasm to open. The first chorus, the most emotional and sonically beautiful part of the song for me and the part of the song that I most associate with the chasm, filled my car as I drove down the busy street, and I started crying. Not because I felt the chasm open, but because I didn’t. The song progressed and I was enjoying it! It’s a beautiful song! I fucking love this song! I’m still thinking of him as it plays but I don’t feel bad anymore! I cried even harder. As the final part of the song played, the climactic part with the drums and the horns and everything just dialed up to 100, Harry screamed a lyric that I had forgotten about. After all this time, I forgot that this song that I had associated with such a beautiful and then painful part of my life, ends with the line:

“We’ll be alright.”

Relief washed over me. I can listen to Harry Styles again! Why had I gone so long without listening to him? Was I really going to avoid such beautiful songs because of some guy?

I used to (and sometimes still do) think something was seriously wrong with me for being so upset over this. I’d literally yell at myself that it’s not that serious and to get a fucking grip. If I’m letting a situationship that’s barely a blip in the timeline of my life affect me this much, how will I cope when my first real relationship ends? What will that heartbreak feel like? What shameful parts of me will that expose? It makes me think of this lyric by Alessia Cara. In her song ‘Box In The Ocean’ she tells the listener thoughts she would never say out loud. One of the lyrics goes:

“I might be too weak to fall in love and I might be too much for everyone.”

I still have some things to work through, more so to do with me than him. If it wasn’t glaringly obvious, this experience exposed me to a lot of deep-rooted issues I have. Sometimes I think of my life in two parts: Before Him and After Him (if you’re rolling your eyes at this, don’t worry, I beat you to it). I wouldn’t go back for the world but damn do I sometimes miss that blissfully unaware girl from before. She was just skipping around with no idea what was in store for her. And this guy was just unfortunate enough to be her first real taste of nearly everything, and even more unfortunate that the girl he chose to try and sleep with was a deeply emotional writer, so he’s doubly destined to be committed to her memory. It’s true what Lorde said: bet you rue the day you kissed a writer in the dark.

I think moving on looks different for everyone. I think we mistake moving on for forgetting completely or having no feelings about something or someone. I just don’t think that’s true or even possible. I think I will always have some kind of feelings about this whole thing. Maybe that’ll change. Maybe one day I’ll be able to look at his social media without getting that sinking feeling in my stomach (there’s nothing to look at anyway because he’s private and he removed us as followers a few months after things ended, adding another layer of questioning and pain to this whole thing, and I really haven’t looked at his profile that much, even before I lost access to it, because I knew it wouldn’t do me any good but that doesn’t erase the sinking stomach). But I don’t have to think about it all the time. I’m a little afraid of that. But maybe that’s what ‘Fine Line’ can be for me now. A piece of something that broke and I avoided it for fear of cutting myself. But now I can tape it back together, put it on the shelf, and admire it occasionally.

LOVE MONTH ON MARY’S NEWSLETTER:

February 1st: “5 rom-coms I can’t live without”

February 8th: “I still can’t listen to harry styles”

February 15th: “the intimacy of sharing a meal”

February 22nd: “my experience of physical touch as told through Edward Scissorhands”

Thank you so much for reading! Are there any pieces of past relationships, like favorite songs, hangout spots, little things that reminded you of them, etc. that you’ve struggled with? Let me know in the comments. I’ll see you next time–I have a bunch of Harry Styles albums to listen to.

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