I’ve started running recently. Well, light jogging. Well, interval light jogging. I jog fast enough to get my heart rate up but keep a “conversational pace” as they call it, though I still can’t imagine anyone speaking coherently while doing this. There’s a park near my house with a trail that counts each tenth of a mile for two miles. I run for a tenth, walk for a tenth, run, walk, etc. I’ve always wanted to be healthier and more fit, and running is a great way to do that without committing to the boring repetitions of a workout video. More importantly, though, running has helped clear my mind, which I am in dire need of. Dashing through nature without a lick of phone service, I have a safe space to either think about things that are bothering me instead of rotting in bed with them, or not think of them at all, my mind preoccupied with the endorphin rush and how I’m going to move one foot in front of the other.
It’s going well so far. However, it was tough at first, and not for reasons you may think. Yes, I was dying and my legs were burning and I produced enough sweat every day that I could ring it out of a bath towel, but I could handle these struggles privately. The problem was that in a public park, my presence as a runner was not private. It demanded attention. Runners can’t sneak up on you; you hear them coming up behind you and then they’re gone almost as fast as they came. It’s not like I was the only runner around, but it’s hard not to notice the person dashing past in a park full of people taking leisurely walks. Or rather, it’s hard not to get self-conscious that people are taking notice of me dashing past. When I run past families out for a stroll, it feels like I’m disrupting them in a way. I just never want to be a bother or in someone’s way. Weird how social anxiety convinces you that you are the center of the universe when one, that’s not the case at all, and two, that’s the last thing you want.
No one knows my legs are burning but me. People may see the sweat dripping off me but then again, it’s summer, everyone’s sweating regardless! These struggles can remain semi-private if I just look neutral and focus on getting to the next mile marker. But what isn’t private at all is the breathing. Breathing is how you can tell a runner is behind you. Their breaths are loud and labored. Especially mine. I haven’t quite got control of my breathing yet; I’m still gasping for air open-mouthed, the loudest kind of breathing there is. I try in through the nose, out through the mouth but it’s not enough yet. As soon as I get it under control during my walk intervals, I’ve hit the mile marker and it’s time to run again. Every time I pass someone, I wonder if they can hear me. I wonder what they think. I wonder if they can tell I’m new at this.
Like with writing. I’ve been writing for years but I’ve only been getting paid to write for almost 5 years now. And it’s only been 2 years since I decided to pursue copywriting specifically. I still dream of being an author and that day WILL come but as we all know, the publishing industry is a precarious state where the privileged few get to live off royalties alone. Although I’ve gotten better, I’m not confident enough in my abilities as a copywriter. I still feel new at it. The jobs I’ve managed to get feel like a fluke despite glowing comments from editors. I feel like I’m not good enough to go for more jobs. I look at job listings on LinkedIn every day and think, Why would they hire me? Or I see the skills and responsibilities required and think, Oh, I could never do that. The tough state of the job market aside, if by some miracle I manage to get an interview or even get hired, I immediately worry that they will think I’m not as good as they thought. That I somehow scammed my way in. I worry they’ll look at my resume and think, She’s been doing this how long and she’s only gotten this many jobs? (for context, I’m a freelancer so the number of jobs acquired is kind of a big deal).
I worry that I’ll be tasked with something that I don’t know how to do (even worse if it’s something I should know) and I’m too afraid to ask for help. Too afraid to draw attention to myself. Even with my current contract, if I have a problem with something, I’ll suffer with it in silence until I either figure it out with the help of Google, guesswork, and vibes, or gather the courage to ask my editor for help. Asking for help is always my last resort because struggling draws attention and I don’t want to be a bother. It’s left me unable to even practice copywriting like I should because I think, What’s the point? They’ll hire someone better.
The other day I was running and when I came up on my walk interval, I walked past these two girls (probably on their hot girl walk). One of them complimented my athletic wear and after thanking her, out of nowhere I was prompted to tell them, “I’ve started interval running”–gasp for air– “it’s not going too well.”
They immediately replied, “You got this!” and then I hit the next mile marker and took off.
Since I’ve started running, I’ve done a few things to make myself more comfortable, namely, getting a hat and sunglasses so that the people I run past don’t come into focus as much. I know that if I cross their thoughts at all, it will be as brief as my encounter with them. But if I do feel self-conscious, I can remind myself that every runner at the park is working towards something, and so is every walker, and really, we all just want encouragement. Although it’s been a short while, I can see improvement, mostly in my legs-–they don’t hurt as much––but some with my breathing as well. I welcome the deep inhales and exhales, knowing it’s powering my body, and while I wish it were quieter, more controlled, that will come with time. Similarly, I won’t see improvement in my copywriting if I don’t try. We all have things we want to do but are too scared, too worried about attracting unwanted attention and feeling incompetent. But we can do them if we just breathe.
Thanks for reading! Are there any new hobbies or skills you’d like to try this summer?
Sorry in advance but I’m going to start promoting my Instagram here as it’s now the only other public social media I’m active on. You can follow me at instagram.com/mjewrites if you’d like :)
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As a new runner (and writer) i LOVED this!!
I’ve recently started running again so I understand this for sure. I tried running without my shirt once and it was so insanely naval gazey to worry about what I looked like to people driving while working out but you’re right… it’s all towards our end goal…