films to validate your mommy issues

my fave films that explore messy mother-daughter relationships

With Mother’s Day in the U.S. coming, I wanted to talk about daughters who would have a nervous breakdown in the Hallmark card section. Forget Daddy Issues–that’s way overdone and frankly, misogynistic. The real meat in childhood trauma comes from mommy issues, of which there can be many.

For the record, I love my mother and admire mothers who try their best. But I’ve personally never related to Lorelai and Rory Gilmore. Like everyone else in the world, mothers are flawed. Maybe they carried trauma or patterns from their mothers or experiences of girlhood into motherhood. Maybe they’re stressed from work, unrequited dreams, emotional labor, unsupportive or nonexistent partners, or a plethora of other reasons. That’s not to excuse any harmful words, actions, or forms of abuse they inflict. Mothers are responsible for handling their issues so they don’t pass them down to their daughters and perpetuate harmful cycles. But thinking every mother will do that isn’t realistic and when realistic portrayals are forgotten on screen, it’s disastrous for all.

Seeing mother-daughter relationships on screen that are similar to my own may not solve anything but they make me feel seen. I want mothers and daughters who love and hate each other. Who bring their demons to the relationship because sometimes that’s just what happens even if it shouldn't. Who argue and fight and lash out and cry. Who say or do the wrong things. But at the end of the day, they couldn’t imagine being related to anyone else.

Real Women Have Curves (2002) dir. Patricia Cardoso

America Ferrera knocked it out of the park with her first feature film role at just 17 years old. Real Women Have Curves follows Ana Garcia, an intelligent and driven high school senior who dreams of attending college but must stay home to help the family in her sister Estela’s textile factory. Estela and their father want Ana to go to college, but it’s their mother Carmen who disapproves and manipulates Ana to stay. Taking place over the summer as Ana works with Carmen in Estela’s factory, Ana is presented with a college opportunity and doesn’t know what to do.

Ana and Carmen’s relationship represents the film’s central themes; Carmen is very traditional, rooted in family obligations and toxic ways of thinking, such as body-shaming Ana and telling her to aspire towards marriage and children. Ana is more carefree and thinks critically about the world she was raised in and the values her mother tries to instill in her. Going to college wouldn’t just give Ana a better future, it would give her a chance to embrace herself and find who she is outside of Carmen’s control. A scene I absolutely loved is when Ana is working at the factory and gets so hot that she strips down to her underwear, much to Carmen’s shock, who tells her to cover up and be ashamed. But Ana persists, which leads to all of the women stripping and comparing their curves and stretch marks. I love that this scene puts body confidence in the context of functionality–Ana wasn’t stripping for a man or only viewing her body confidently as something to be desired. She was simply overheated and felt comfortable enough to let her body be in its natural state. Desire is great but our bodies exist to function, so it was nice seeing a scene that leaned more towards body neutrality, and in 2002 at that.

In recent years, Real Women Have Curves has been compared to Lady Bird, or rather, vice versa, with many thinking that the latter stole from the former. I have to say, the comparisons need to stop. Not because one film came first or one film is better than the other, but because they are very different films, and comparing them does a disservice to each. Aside from some plot points that are common across all coming-of-age films and the mother-daughter relationship, these films are so different. Real Women Have Curves is more about becoming your own person amidst family tradition, economic hardships, body image issues, and toxic mothers holding you back. We’ll get into it more later but Lady Bird is more about becoming your own person as you learn to love and appreciate the city and people you’ve always been ashamed of.

That being said, despite being a critically acclaimed, groundbreaking film that was preserved in the National Film Registry, RWHC doesn’t get much recognition among non-Latino audiences. The film wouldn’t be the beautiful piece it is without the work of the Latina women who wrote and directed it (Josefina Lopez & Patricia Cardoso) and the majority Latino cast. Part of what makes the film so special is its nuanced portrayal of intergenerational Mexican-American life in Los Angeles and it’s a shame that the film isn’t as widely recognized because it doesn’t have a white lens. Okay, I’m off my soap box. This film is truly special and my description of it doesn’t even begin to cover the experience of watching it. Also, Lupe Ontiveros plays Carmen and she’s so good at it but dammit I can only see her as Yolanda Saldivar so I get mad every time I see her on screen. Also also, I did a double-take when I realized George Lopez was in this film because his character was so calm and he wasn’t doing the voice.

“I love you. That’s why I make you miserable.”

2. Girl In Progress (2012) dir. Patricia Riggen

In 2014, I was deep into my obsession with Maia Mitchell and Cierra Ramirez thanks to their roles on Freeform’s The Fosters, so naturally I had to watch anything with them in it. That led me to a little movie practically nobody has heard of called Girl In Progress. I’ll be frank—my nostalgia for this film is the main reason I’m recommending it because in reality, it is not that good. But it tries and it’s honest, and sometimes that’s enough.

Girl In Progress follows 14-year-old Ansiedad (I love this name because of this movie) and her young mother Grace (Eva Mendes). A single mom, Grace struggles with work, bills, and her troubling love life, all 3 of which often cause her to leave Ansiedad to care for herself, the house, and Grace herself. At the private school that Grace has been struggling to pay for, Ansiedad learns about coming-of-age stories from her English teacher and gets an idea: she will create a list of things she needs to do to “come of age” so she can grow up quickly and move out, finally free of her mother. Things on the list include changing her appearance, befriending the popular girl, having your first kiss, and losing your virginity. Once she completes the list, she’ll take a bus to NYC and begin her adult life.

There are many things with this movie that fall flat. Grace ends up being a bit of a stereotype, side characters are one-note, some plot points are unnecessary, and the material doesn’t go as deep as it could have. God, I’m really selling this, aren’t I? But I’m still recommending the film for two reasons: one, Ansiedad’s relationship with Grace is the driving force behind her behavior. Cierra Ramirez (in her debut feature-length role by the way) gives such a convincing performance as a girl crying out for help. There’s a scene where she confronts Grace about how she’s neglected her and the emotion is so real. Minor spoiler, but there’s a scene where Ansiedad tries to lose her virginity but gets scared and backs out, and the fear on Cierra Ramirez’s face is so palpable. She plays Ansiedad with so much charisma and really carries the film. Two, I haven’t seen a film that tries to critique the concept of coming-of-age like this one does. Ansiedad goes through the motions of “growing up” without actually maturing. It’s a great critique of how the coming-of-age genre can be monolithic and treats these experiences as “must-haves” for growing up, even though many of us out there don’t have those typical experiences. I only wish it were executed better. But this film has a special place in my heart and I think it’s worth at least one watch.

“I’m just here because I need somebody to recognize my potential and then watch helplessly as I throw it all away.”

3. Lady Bird (2017) dir. Greta Gerwig

Okay, let’s get this over with. I’m kidding. Mostly. Lady Bird is such a special film. Truly one of the best films I’ve ever seen and it never fails to make me laugh and cry. But its popularity has exploded over the years to the point of countless think pieces and haters trying to be contrarian. That’s not to say there isn’t anything about it to criticize but sometimes when someone says Lady Bird is their favorite film, brain-dead Film Twitter users lose their shit.

So, if you’re unfamiliar, Lady Bird follows 17-year-old Christine, a girl from Sacramento in 2002 who nicknames herself “Lady Bird.” A Senior at a close-minded Catholic high school, Lady Bird is anxious to go far away to a prestigious college to escape her hometown and more importantly her mother, with whom she shares a turbulent relationship. But her family’s financial troubles, her average GPA, her lack of extracurricular activities, and her mother’s attitude about Lady Bird going to college so far away threaten her dreams. As Lady Bird moves through the school year, she does what she can to get into college (like joining activities and secretly applying to schools in NYC without her mother’s knowledge) while confronting her feelings towards herself, her mother, her family, and her home. Some of the typical coming-of-age bits happen like first boyfriends, fights with friends, having your sexual debut with a complete loser, and going to prom.

Now for the stuff that needs to be said: Lady Bird is not meant to be an aspirational character. The point of the film is that she kinda sucks. You don’t have to like the film, but I think disliking it simply because Lady Bird is imperfect ignores the nuances of the story. However, there’s a totally unnecessary scene where during a heated argument Lady Bird makes a snarky comment about her adopted brother only getting into UC Berkley because he’s not white. Even though her brother calls Lady Bird out for saying this, the scene shouldn’t have existed in the first place. Lady Bird may be an imperfect character but imperfection shouldn’t equate to racism. The film’s relationship to race is shaky; most characters, major and minor, are white. And yes, the film has a white lens because it is a semi-autobiographical tale about Gerwig’s teenage years in Sacramento. And yes, the film has received so much praise and attention partly because of its white privilege. Those are valid critiques. But to act like Greta Gerwig is solely responsible for diverse representation instead of demanding studios to make more films from BIPOC filmmakers is where the problem lies.

It’s also why I get so heated when people compare it to Real Women Have Curves because some people act like Gerwig stole that film because of a few surface-level similarities. Some act like Lady Bird’s (admittedly very white) problems don’t compare to Ana’s problems, and thus make Lady Bird a lesser film. As I mentioned above, these comparisons insult each film. Lady Bird is about having shame and love for where you come from and this is represented through Lady Bird’s relationship with her mom, Marion. The two hardly ever see eye to eye. They’re bickering at best, yelling or ignoring each other at worst. They can say some really cruel things to each other. There’s a scene where Lady Bird tells Marion she’s going to get a job that makes her so much money that she’ll pay Marion back for what it cost to raise her so she’ll never have to speak to her again. Marion responds that she doesn’t think Lady Bird is capable of that. It’s a gut punch of a scene. But, especially as Lady Bird matures throughout the film, they have moments where they try to agree to disagree.

I’ve never seen a film so beautifully and succinctly connect one's relationship with one's hometown to the relationship with one’s family. There’s a scene where Lady Bird’s college counselor tells her she writes about Sacramento well and must love it. Lady Bird says she doesn’t love it, she just pays attention. The counselor replies, “Don’t you think it’s the same thing, love and attention?” Lady Bird is tired of Marion always being on her back about stuff. She can’t see that Marion’s attention is her showing love. An imperfect way of showing love, but love no doubt. Before Lady Bird, I hadn’t seen a film that mirrored my relationship with my mom so well. The last 20 minutes of the film always get me so emotional. As you can probably tell, I could go on about this film for ages. I haven’t even begun to cover everything I love about it. I actually watched this movie with my mom a couple of years ago and she liked it but would gasp at the things Marion said to Lady Bird, which I found funny because she’s said even worse things to me. Okay. I’ve tried to shorten this, I really have. I’m not sure why I had to defend Lady Bird this hard (actually I do, it’s because, aside from wanting to talk about every aspect of the films I recommend, I have Film Twitter PTSD and don’t wanna be judged for liking it lolololol).

“Do you like me?”

“I love you very much.”

“But do you like me?”

4. Mermaids (1990) dir. Richard Benjamin

Imagine getting to work with CHER this early in your film career. Winona Ryder’s role as the neurotic 15-year-old Charlotte Flax in the 1960s is very dear to me because she’s a bit of an anxious loner struggling with her sexuality. Charlotte begs for stability from her 31-year-old mother, Rachel (played by Cher), who is more of a friend than a mother to her and her 9-year-old sister Kate (played by Christina Ricci). Charlotte doesn’t know who her biological father is but is convinced he will come to find them–if only Rachel would stop moving the family across the country every time she breaks up with a boyfriend. When Rachel moves the family to Massachusetts this time, Charlotte is ecstatic to see that they live next to a convent. Charlotte has become obsessed with Catholicism, much to her Jewish mother’s dismay. But when Rachel starts dating a new man in town and Charlotte develops a crush on town cutie Joe that threatens her promise of chastity, all hell breaks loose between the two.

One thing I love about watching films is that you can discover something new each time. This time around, I realized that Charlotte’s obsession with Catholicism and her dreams of becoming a nun is a direct response to the instability her mother has created via her messy romantic relationships. Not properly educated about sex, Charlotte doesn’t understand that her burgeoning sexuality is perfectly normal. She fights her feelings and desires so much because she’s afraid that liking sex means she will become like Rachel, always falling in love and then getting her heart broken and uprooting her life because of it. Becoming a nun would require Charlotte to not act on those feelings, AKA stay safe, and live in a convent, AKA have a permanent residence. I think it’s a great portrayal of how our mothers affect us in ways we’re not always aware of.

It’s a cute film with a heartwarming ending and some great emotional beats, but it does tend to lean towards the melodramatic sometimes and the tonal shift can be jarring. Also, elephant in the room, the person Charlotte has a crush on is a 26-year-old SCHOOL bus driver/convent caretaker/general handyman. Having a crush on an older man is normal but what’s not okay is the film making it seem okay that a 26-year-old and 15-year-old have a sexual relationship. I know things were different in the ‘60s but I don’t think that would fly even then. Despite its glaring flaws, the mother-daughter and coming-of-age aspects of the story resonate deeply with me. The concept of an irresponsible and flamboyant mother with a religious, conservative daughter is hilarious and both Winona Ryder and Cher were great at delivering comedic performances twinged with drama, especially in the scenes where they’d bicker and deliver biting one-liners. Winona especially. She really was so great at the teenage angst thing. What a queen. I also watched this movie with my mom. She was not a fan of the premarital sex.

“Please God, don’t let me fall in love and want to do disgusting things.”

5. Everything Everywhere All at Once (2022) dirs. Daniel Kwan, Daniel Scheinert

There truly is no film like Everything Everywhere All at Once. It’s funny, action-packed, heartfelt, emotional. Genre-breaking down to its weird Everything Bagel core, it’s indefinable in all the right ways. There’s so much to be examined with this film but if you’re unfamiliar, I’ll start by stating what it’s about.

Everything follows Evelyn, a stressed, unhappy middle-aged Chinese immigrant who runs a laundromat with her husband, Waymond. The IRS is auditing the laundromat. Adding to Evelyn’s stress, Waymond has given her divorce papers to get her to talk with him about their marriage. They have a 20-year-old daughter, Joy, who is clinically depressed and fighting to get Evelyn to treat her relationship with her girlfriend Becky as legitimate. This is all happening around Chinese New Year, for which Evelyn’s demanding father is visiting.

During a visit to the IRS, Evelyn discovers that parallel universes exist when an alternate-universe version of Waymond appears to her and tells her that the multiverse is in trouble because Jobu, who is the alternate-universe version of Joy, has created a black hole dubbed the “Everything Bagel” that could destroy the multiverse. This happened as a result of a version of Evelyn creating verse-jumping technology and pushing Joy to verse-jump beyond her limits, frying Joy’s brain and causing her to be able to see all universes at once and manipulate matter. Waymond believes the Evelyn we know can stop Jobu because she is the “failure” of all the multiverse Evelyns and therefore has the most untapped potential.

Confused? Yeah, that’s not even like a quarter of what else happens. As our Evelyn jumps through the multiverse, she sees all the different versions of herself that she could’ve been if she made different choices. She also sees the different versions of Waymond and Joy. As I said before, there’s so much to unpack with this film; the existentialism of seeing your untapped potential fulfilled in other versions of you, the belief that kindness is a superpower all on its own, the nihilism of today’s generation, how regret and anger can blind you to appreciating what’s in front of you. But, obviously, I want to focus on the mother-daughter aspect because the film literally wouldn’t exist without it. Joy and Evelyn’s strained relationship is the whole reason the multiverse is at risk in the first place. Evelyn’s regrets over her life choices have made her an angry, resentful person, and she’s unfortunately taken that out on Joy by always pushing her, fighting with her, and not listening to her.

While Evelyn does need to take responsibility for this, it’s a consequence of the fact that Evelyn is also a daughter to a demanding parent who has constantly reminded her that she has failed to meet his expectations. On top of that, Evelyn is an immigrant who has to shoulder the burden of making ends meet, living in a new country, and sacrificing things so that Joy can have the life she didn’t. Evelyn can’t talk about how she feels, so she takes it out on Joy, who in turn feels like she can’t talk to Evelyn, causing a deeper rift between them. It’s not that Evelyn doesn’t love Joy, she’s just incapable of expressing it healthily. Unlike Evelyn, Joy doesn’t want to stick around to be treated badly; instead of just saying, “That’s how it is,” Joy rejects it, which fractures their relationship even more. As Evelyn hops the multiverse, it’s the first time she gets to see and understand Joy because the pressures of everyday life aren’t getting in between them. It’s also the first time she’s able to do some self-reflecting and see how she’s contributed to Joy’s depression and growing nihilism, resulting in Jobu wanting to destroy the universe just to escape it.

I bawled my eyes out in the theater when Joy and Evelyn had an emotional scene towards the end of the film. Even though I just spent multiple paragraphs trying, I can’t begin to describe their complex relationship and all that it’s done for the girls with mommy issues. But more importantly, I can’t begin to describe what it’s done specifically for immigrant and first-generation American families. Because I’m a little white girl from Ohio. So I won’t. Instead, I’ll link this article, “The Beautiful & Complex Mother-Daughter Immigrant Relationship in ‘Everything Everywhere All at Once.’” Stephanie Hsu, you won that Oscar in my book.

“I wasn't looking for you so I could kill you. I was just looking for someone who could see what I see, feel what I feel.”

6. Turning Red (2022) dir. Domee Shi

I wanted to end this post with a film that still has the mommy issues theme but is a little more light-hearted. It’ll still make you cry though. Turning Red is Pixar’s first feature solely directed by a woman and, to my knowledge, their first film aimed at a slightly older audience (yet it was still appropriate for kids, you Karens!). The film follows 13-year-old Mei Lee, a girl living in Toronto in 2002 with her parents, Ming and Jin. When Mei isn’t helping her parents run the family’s temple, she’s running around Toronto with her 3 best friends, crushing on cute boys, and gushing over the latest music from hot boy band 4*Town. But Ming doesn’t know about any of the latter activities because she’s strict and overprotective, so Mei doesn’t clue her into any of her interests and instead works very hard to make Ming proud.

But you can’t hide yourself from your parents forever; after an incident with Mei’s crush at the local convenience store, Ming unintentionally humiliates her and Mei hides in her room, too upset and embarrassed to face anyone. The next morning, Mei wakes up and discovers she has turned into a large red panda. She figures out that she turns into the panda when she’s in an emotionally volatile state and manages to get to school without Ming and Jin noticing. However, Ming suspects Mei has started her period and goes to the school to help Mei, only to learn the truth when she sees Mei transform. That’s when Mei learns the truth about herself and her lineage: all of the women in Ming’s bloodline turn into red pandas as a result of their ancestor Sun Yee, who originally turned into the panda to protect her family and village during ancient war times. Obviously, this isn’t necessary or safe in modern times, so the women in Ming’s family lock their red pandas inside talismans with a special ritual during the lunar eclipse. Ming wants Mei to do the ritual but as time goes on and Mei learns how to control her red panda better, she’s not so sure she wants to.

Similar to EEAO, Turning Red examines the strained mother-daughter immigrant relationship but what gives it another layer is adolescence and puberty. Nearly every girl can relate to navigating puberty and wanting to become their own person while still making their parents (especially their mothers) proud. Once again, Mei and Ming’s relationship is the center of the film; yes, Mei would have still turned into a red panda regardless, but her complex relationship with Ming is what gives the story tension. I wanted to include this film because the others deal with characters 15+ but Turning Red gets it right by stating that the onset of puberty is when the mommy issues really begin. I love that the film deals with these topics but in a light-hearted, humorous way that is so incredibly accurate to the 13-year-old girl's experience. Mei and her friends are the cutest bunch ever and it was refreshing to see their close friendship and love for boybands unabashedly portrayed. The film also looks stunning: it’s bright, colorful, and fast-paced with the animation. It really deserved a run on the big screen.

“I like boys! I like loud music! I like gyrating! I’M 13, DEAL WITH IT!”

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Thanks for reading! I didn’t mean for it to be so long but as you can probably tell, this is something I’m passionate about. If you made it this far, tell me about an argument you had with your mother, serious or unserious.

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